Big City Life
October 25th, 2009 | 
Author: A short story about living in a big city.
*Tap tap tap tap tap (really fast)* A pen knocks on the door.
Weber opens the door to find a young man selling magazines to gain points toward a college scholarship. The little guy is really chatty and Weber agrees to actually look at the magazine list, probably because there are actually magazines we could save money on if we bought subscriptions. Pretty quickly, the little guy has chatted Weber into opening the bars that precede our front door. That’s when we realize…there are two little guys! Another has mysteriously appeared for backup sales support.
The Economist comes up as a potential magazine Weber could purchase to help out this little guy and he immediately starts to fill out the subscription form, awkwardly delaying the price announcement. “He doesn’t need money today.” Can’t we just write a check like the nice lady down the street? “Can I come in and sit down to fill out this form?” It’s really confusing to find the price the way they have everything set up. “New Jersey is way different from DC.” Sure would be nice if he could just come in and use the table to write really quick. “Sometimes people think I’m actually a boy and when they realize I’m a girl, they feel bad and give me money.”
Covey starts stressing. She’s analyzing baggy clothing for a weapon, telling Weber in “Yiddish” that she’s scared and we need to get these little guys out of the doorway stat. By the time Covey and Weber are on the same page their goals are to 1. not make these little “guys” mad and 2. GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE. The dudes sarcastically accept a “generous” $1 donation and move on to the next house.
A few moments of paranoia later, Covey is on the phone with 911 non-emergency and they are asking for tooooo many details. Alas, feeling/fearing that her house has been cased and she will be the one overpowered on her doorstop for the robbery she gives all the details to the police.
Back in the homestead, a report like this would take several hours, at best, to resolve. The police take their time getting out to you…but not in our nation’s capitol!!! About 15 minutes later, an officer was calling my cell. He confirmed that we had just been scammed. The officer had met the suspects and they did not have the required DC vendor’s license. (Who knew you needed a vendor’s license to i.e. sell Girl Scout Cookies?) This is the scam that the kids from the housing projects down the street run.
New house rule in big city: never open the door for ANYONE (including young boys claiming to be girls) unless you are expecting a package and can confirm it’s the delivery man.
As an added bonus, please check out this song…an oldie that Covey first heard on a trip to Italy while studying abroad.
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I had a ‘work release’ guy come to my door in Storrs once who succeeded in getting me to write a check for a magazine subscription. Shortly after he left, I regretted the decision and had the bank stop payment. I wrote to the magazine clearinghouse and was assured that they would not be sending any magazines my way.
Instead, without the check ever being cashed, I received 4 months’ worth of Electronic Gaming Monthly. They abruptly stopped being delivered after EGM went bankrupt and stopped publishing. I figured that would be the end of that. But no, after a couple of month’s with no magazine, Maxim’s started showing up.
They claimed Maxim was the next closest for my demographic. They clearly have me pegged for the wrong demographic.
Erik clearly hasn’t seen enough of the movie Office Space. Good job on busting the scam, Nancy Drew. The people of the District of Columbia thank you.
very freaky